Hi. 

Im super depressed right now. My colon is in shambles and I cant find a solution that works.I was on the experimental drug but it lost its efficacy. I cant stand being this out of control with my life. I still cant type very well. Im getting better but its just not a priority. 

Maria and I are trying to sell the condo. We had a buyer but he backed out. We even looked at houses and found one that we both liked a lot, but it has now been sold. 

I feel out of control of my life. My colon is taking over my life, I cant get off of prednisone, I keep switching my anti-depressant medications, I just dont know what to do. I need to change my diet. I need to make hard decisions about myself, but I am afraid this will change my life too much and change who I am as a human being. I like being someone who can eat and drink and be merry. I fear that making these intense changes will kill that person. 

Im so distraught.

I like my job thankfully. I just dont feel confident in my decisions at the moment and its affecting every aspect of my life. I thought I was going to break up with Maria recently. This is because we are both depressed and feel out of control though. I feel like if I did break up with her, my life would only get worse. She is basically the only stable thing in my life and Im so self-destructive that I think getting rid of her would actually make things better. I am so wrong. 

I need to be more thankful. I need to be more appreciative of what I have. It is so hard to appreciate the other things when I feel like shit all the time though. Life is struggle. I have to keep struggling to get to the good parts though. 

Yo Tumblr whats up? Its been a while. I still cant type very well. Im with Maria and things are going great compared to all the drama that I just read through on Tumblr. Carrie, Debra, and Stephanie are all distant memories. Im 26 years old. I work at a “software” company in downtown Denver. Vertafore is barely a software company but its still a nice place to work. Other than that, I have a dog, Molly. She is now 9 months old and adorable as fuck. I watch more TV than I used to. I need to get outside more. It is winter, but still I could do more things outside, even if Maria is busy. Dang man things have changed. 

What am I missing though? A purpose? a reason to exist? Basically. My job is semi-boring and kind of just a stepping stone. I cant make $55,000 forever. Going to Argentina REALLY fucked my financials. Im paying something like $600 a month in credit card bills. That fucking insane. If I could pay it off instantly I would. I hope my crypto is still worth something in 5 years. FUCK BITGRAIL. 

Have some balls to support something with your voice. You are the only one that your voice will ever be attached to. Use it while you can. If you never use it, what you care about will never be heard of and will never exist to anybody. 

Do we all strive for those “Oh my god. I can NOT believe this is happening!!!” moments? Is it part of human nature to explore the unknown? 

What is life? I cant understand it. A SHIT ton has happened to me in the past year and I cant understand any of it. What am I doing here? Do I have a purpose? Does god exist? What is my sexuality? Am I supposed to be a product of the south? Am I even alive still? Am I a good person? How do others perceive me? Do others think I am a good person? Does not believing in god hinder me from certain opportunities? Are they even opportunities that I would want? Why is it raining outside right now? Why is my ex now in a relationship with another girl? What does that make me? Do I have a strange taste in women? ok. Thats enough of that. 

But really though, the first girl I ever truly loved in a relationship with a girl now. WHAT?!?!!!?!?! WHAT?! WHAT?…..!!! I dont understand it. She was always the wild card of girlfriends, but seriously, I never thought she would go lesbian. Im assuming she wouldnt have if she didnt live in New York City and she wasnt in a female Acapella group where half of the girls are gay. IDK THOUGH!!!! Its seriously blowing my mind right now. She told me she loved dick too much to be gay and I believed her; but then again she told me she would never go back to her old boyfriend and we all know what happened there…. 

Its just blowing my mind right now. 

But anyways, Im back on tumblr. This is weird. I feel like Im going to get depressed now just because im writing this post. We’ll see. Summers are not the most happy times ever, but still, they shouldnt be sad at least. 

Meanwhile, my other relationshits are in the dirt too. Debra hates my guts and Stephanie is out of range completely. Debra has the right to hate me right now because I havent really told her I was dating Stephanie at all, but I figured she knew it could happen after our falling out a few months back. Debra is amazing, but she is not smart enough for me. The conversations I had with Stephanie were totally worth every ounce of hardship I could ever have with Debra. It may be time to let Debra go. She is super cool and she was there for me in a ton of situations, but she is not on my level intellectually. Stephanie and Carrie are. Thats what I love about those two. But Carrie is a selfish asshole and Stephanie is really REALLY boring. I just know I have not found the one yet and that is really tough when you still love all these girls and want to keep them in your life but know that its almost impossible without feelings and emotions being brought up every time the conversation gets serious. I have the blessing and the curse of finding three separate girls that I could see myself with in 30 years, but all under different circumstances. Carrie if I wanted to watch TV my whole life, Debra if I could stand her religion and dumbness but be all-in for adventure, and Stephanie if I wanted to be extremely dominant in the relationship forever. I know I have not found the one yet. Or, I have not been in a relationship with the one yet. 

Being single sucks.